i keep playing these monologues out in my head. they go like this, or variations thereof:

"move to mission. be the heartthrob of 5 or 6 underage girls. get chlamydia. pay child support. spend the rest of your life jerking off to white trash porn."

thats pretty much it. i'm not really very angry, it just seems that way when i lay in bed and think too hard.

i want to look amazing when i finally run into him. its getting too heavy, too much pressure to always be on the look out for the opportunity to recite said monologues. especially since i'm doing well, i'm finally happy, its finally over.

i'm not actually under the impression that if i say this i will stop being mad about everything that happened. or that i will actually say this when the time comes. what i will probably say is this:

"oh, um, hi. yeah, i live here now. yeah, school is good. ... you know what don't worry about it. whatever. we both got a little crazy. ok. see you around. that'd be good, ok, we'll do that. ciao."

i guess we'll see. maybe a combination of the two.

Current Location: the desk
Current Mood: intimidated
Current Music: 12th street traffic and the refrigirator buzzing

it took me three pieces of peppermint gum to get home. thats quite a long trip.

just had coffee with an old friend, or more succinctly, someone i used to sleep with. while his fiance was in europe. that was allowed, he was a legally artificial bachelor while she was away. still, its not something i'd do again. we all bat for the same team, if you follow.

it was weird. how he looked the same. he married her, just a few weeks ago. as he was leaving he alluded to wanting to have left her and been with me instead; the old "i always wonder what would've happened if..." then after he abruptly left to pick her up at the train, he sent me a text message that said "wow...!" i didn't know how to feel about it.

i saw them driving back as i was walking to the bus. in their station wagon, with their matching rings and beautiful dog. she's really pretty. i didn't wave, obviously.

he didn't really ask how i was, how i am. i dont think i wouldve known how to answer anyhow. good. or, bad. or, what do you mean? or, depends on what i dreamt about last night. or, well is it windy? or, turbulently. i'm feeling introspective and sensitive today, it might be the copper coil in my belly; its making my uterus cringe.

when moses gets home im going to ask him to tell me a story about winter in north ontario. i like those stories very much. if and when i have children, i'd like to give them the opportunity to build snow forts. that was never something i did, we always watched snow on ctv news.

have a lovely day.

Tags: introspective, marraige, snow forts
Current Location: by the window
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: goodbye yellow brick road, but only in my head

alright, so today i was feeling sad so i bought a pair of uber-trendy pants. then suddenly i felt worse. now im confused. here's the thing: they're skinny leg pants (you know, like the hipsters wear), and i have a bum. i figured, its such a striking look, and although way overdone at the moment, its funky and versatile. but, some girls with bums say "oh, i love that look, but im too curvy for it" or some such statement. i think us curvy girls should go for it anyway, if we want to.

there was that major backlash in mens magazines when low-rise jeans first came out, and all shapes of girls were wearing them. the mens culture said: "ew, put something on if youre big. but take something off if youre small." low rise pants look shitty on everyone, lets not discriminate. but more to the point, perhaps thats why women are holding themselves back from the skinny leg pant; fear of negative commentary.

thoughts?